Let’s just say I’ve been holding this in for as long as I could, but because I can’t hold it in anymore, I’m laying it all here unfiltered! If you get all emotional after this, then it is what it is, but eventually, things will fall in place – so we hope, pray, do what we can and wait! I won’t be concerned if I lose either of my jobs after this, lose friends or nothing at all, but I’ll lose some extra weight for a while and that’s healthy cause this is my safe space.
Yes, I’ve still been dealing with panic attacks, anxiety issues, and insomnia. It’s gotten to a point where my sleeping pills don’t work no more- even if double the dose. I sleep a maximum of 2-3hrs daily, have some recently troubling health issues, and sincerely, I zone out sometimes because worry is inevitable. Daily, I try to be more present and I just lay it out on the only space I can stay organized for now- my Instagram pages. So, when you see me make more reels and gather x1000 viewers more than the followers I have, just watch, drop a ❤, and pass.
Yes, I’m gradually being more unproductive at work because I have my head lost in the clouds with the lots of stuff I need to get done, achieve, and all in a bid to make an impact, contribute my quota to the world and live a happy and healthy life eventually. I need stability badly because I don’t know how to deal with everything that is going on anymore. My bosses think I’m incompetent, my colleagues have begun having side talks about my almost regular absence from work even when I’m physically and virtually present.
Yes, I’m still in debt and about to get into some more debt because I don’t know what I can afford anymore these days. I’m currently house-hunting in Lagos because well, I got a transfer from my other job and no, it didn’t come with any travel or housing allowances. In Abuja, I lived in a comfortable house for half of what I’m about to pay for in Lagos and for trash. I’ve been to about 50 houses so far – if not more for inspection and I’m not trying to get something outrageous, but a decent house with light, water and security in a good or almost good location, but again it’s just too much stress for me to deal with together with every other thing I’m handling.
Yes, my previous rent was 300-350k with light, water, security, space, no floods, great distance and all. Not premium comfort, but twas good. Now, in Lagos, getting even half of what I had before is gonna cost 100% extra of what I initially paid for in an either insecure location, a distant place, or without light, water and in a flooded environment. No, I can not afford it because this is way beyond my budget, but I have to settle for just anything. Question now is, will the people I want to get these loans from eventually consent to it and disburse funds or will where I’m currently finding shelter and a place to lay my head, shower and go to work from every day be demolished before I eventually get help?
Yes, I have family and friends I could ask for help and well, family is looking up to me- so, that’s not an option. Friends all have their different problems too and not like I haven’t tried, but I’m tired. At the end of the day, I’m only looking for 700,000 naira to get a self-contained house in Lagos. Not like there’s a cupboard in the house, armed with guards, or its a serviced apartment, but just a regular old house that is the size of a cubicle. Let’s just say this world doesn’t deserve decent people like me cause it wouldn’t take me so much to get on the streets for prostitution and cover up this rent in less than a day or two, but because I’ve chosen not to get my hands dirty, I have to suffer for it.
Yes, I am broke. My bank balance is currently less than 10naira and the next time any higher amount will drop in it will be my salary at the end of the month which 90% of it will be deducted almost immediately to pay off debts and bills. So, what exactly am I living for? Sometimes, I wonder… Going around in circles with more hurdles on the way, but still I’m moving, jumping, laughing and keeping it all together because I need to stay sane in the process of keeping it together.
At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore. Everyday, I wake up with a purpose but before I spend up to 2hours awake, I’m already feeling hopeless and discouraged. So, if you want to pray for me, please pray for me. If you want to help fund my house renting project, please go ahead and reach out to me. If you want to read and learn a thing or two, please go ahead. If you want to use this against me, still your choice. This is my unfiltered truth and only 1% of the 100% I’m dealing with because I needed to let off some steam and cry as much as I could. And yes, I believe in God, hard work and miracles.