Sometimes, it is necessary to rest, re-strategize, refill, get revived, rejuvenated and restored before making efforts to reconnect and reload the missing pages. Last year November, after the #EndSARS protest, my mental health was badly affected and I had to switch off the lights, turn off the noise and find strength from the many other available sources I had. This included connecting with family, friends, God, nature, doing things I loved and simply keeping away from the media. I honestly don’t know how I will open up Twitter and where I’ll start from because there are still over 3,000 disturbing pictures, videos and text from the protest on my feed – which I actually want to filter, delete and say goodbye to. Yes, everyone moved on rapidly from it except me. I had deliberately internalized and personalized everything that happened during the protest so much because I also wanted a change to take place, but was I wrong for being so optimistic or fighting for a cause I was so deeply connected to?
Away from social media, I had so much going on with me which for some- were too heavy to share with a second person. So, it was just me and God. Okay, let’s just say from work to family to my health and friends to relationships and my finances, a lot wasn’t just working out so well anymore. I was suicidal at some point, I was angry at God for being so silent, I was gradually losing my mind over the many things I couldn’t control. I needed answers, but didn’t even get clues. Strength, resilience, peace and joy were robbed from me and I just wanted to survive each second of an entire day. It was difficult trying to go the extra mile because my efforts were futile, but I chose to re-learn patience.
I had to be patient with myself by constantly reminding me that it was all a process and a piece to the puzzle. I needed a miracle, a hero, an angel, but I had to make all of that happen for me. I relearned mindfulness and re-affirmed how patient I was each day with people, situations, things, God, just everything. It wasn’t my best days, but I chose to see the good in the situation- even if that happened 3 times out of 20. I can remember having conversations with my sister about how tired I was and wanted to die and she’d jokingly tell me to go to the cemetery around the house with money for my grave and make sure I don’t drop any notes for identification. We would laugh about it, but the thoughts never went away after the smiles. I’d tell my mum I’ve graduated from patience to long suffering and she would remind me of the many times I had pass through challenges, but came out victorious. I can remember talking to a friend sometime and he said it had graduated to a patient-long suffering *lol*. In all of it, I simply had to keep walking no matter how slow I was. I paused several times, crawled and walked on my knees, all in an attempt to finally get to the light at the end of the tunnel and well, let’s just say I did, but it hasn’t ended there because a new level has been unlocked and I’m simply trusting the process and relearning how to be patient.