I chose to write this from a `place of strength, without carefully weaving my words together in an attempt to impress no one, but find healing for me.
I am angry, tired, broken, sad, unhappy and maybe enraged with emotions and constant reminders of the memories I played a part in, initiated and contributed to its narrative.
I don’t hate myself for hoping, trusting, believing, giving, loving and being the most original version of myself without attaching value or labelling any part of me because I chose to give my best and yes, my all.
The truths, lies, pretence, anger, disappointment, the many times I was made to feel loved, the many times I was cheated on, the many times I was abused-emotionally, the many times I tried to fix things just because I was too loyal to let go, the many times I ignored the signs of toxicity and strived while trying to thrive, yet, I was lied to and though II knew the truth without being told, I still kept calm.
It’s funny how you give your all with no restraints, but get paid back with a currency of “I told you this” hurts badly more than the crazy and temporary cramps I encounter. I want to uncover all the lies, I want to bring forth my strong reasons, I want to pour out all my hurt in words and send them to you, but what’s the need of trying to mend something that wasn’t even whole enough to be broken? What’s the need of reminding myself of the many times you made me feel loved and cherished, but lied in-between? What’s the need trying to uncover something you’ve hidden from me because you knew your words of affirmation and acts of love were needles covered in popsicles?
I simply appreciate the experience. I am grateful for the lessons, the memories, the amazing times and I embrace myself for trying so hard to make something that wasn’t even there come into existence- or maybe it was there, but for a while. Yeah, times and seasons change, they come and go and go again, but the sun shines forever and the breeze never stops blowing regardless of seasons. I tried, but you chose not to try. So, today, I have decided not to try anymore…not for you, not with you, not for the next, not for who’s to come because I’m done trying. And yes, I am broken…or what did you think? But, I am strong and this is coming from a place of strength because now, I can help you close a chapter you’ve always wanted to close- Us…or maybe there was never an us…or it probably came and went after a moment, but no, I’m not closing our chapter only; I’m closing the whole book- because I’m done reading and this is not for you…cause I don’t care anymore, but it’s for me- and it’s not the smoke talking…it’s me.