Lately, I’ve really been pensive about a lot and I’m giving myself a penny for my thoughts. It’s probably easy breaking up and moving on for some, but more often than not, the reverse is the case. I’ve been in a love-hate relationship with myself for the longest time and yes, I make-up and break-up again because I am not perfect.
Sometimes, my insecurities weigh me down, keep me grounded and gives me so much to dwell on. The mistakes from my past often lingers in my mind and heart and I beat up, hate myself and label myself for not being good enough, not being this or that. I have labeled myself with an ink so permanent and difficult to erase. Events from yesterday keep shifting into my present day, never allowing me the freedom to move forward. I take a step and feel like it’s two steps backwards.
I still see images, hear voices and remember how I was abused, abandoned, rejected, neglected, defeated…and I still feel weak, broken, lonely and like a failure. A part of me left and a new me was formed each time I got broken. It’s been so hard handling the aftermath and emotional complications that have shaped and defined my present choices and lifestyle. I try to break free sometimes, but I’m reminded of how broken I was. Just like the others, I still feel insecure that i’m not good enough, I’m not enough and that they’ll still leave just like the others left. I want to hold on to this one thing I cherish, that gives me joy, peace and hope, but I feel if I hold it too tight, it might shatter before my eyes and leave me broken again. So, I choose to hold it loosely, hoping it can come and go at will without touching my core, getting the best of me and leaving me back to my roots where it all started. I don’t want to lose it, but I don’t want to hold on too tight either. Yes, I have trust issues.
For years, I held onto every event that led to my breaking point in the past. Finally, I was able to have audience with the person who hurt me, left me broken and whose breakup left with a part of me and formed a new me. We were able to talk about what really happened. I just needed to heal from the hurt of the past. I just needed to know why it happened the way it did. I just wanted to know what I did wrong so I could work on it. I needed closure and I found it. I found closure in one person, but what happens to the others I will never have an audience with? What happens to the part of me that was broken in the process? I want to heal so bad and move on to the best, but still, I’m afraid. I mask confidence, but deep down, I’m struggling with my insecurities.
Finding closure with others is easy, but finding closure with yourself, for you, is more difficult. Forgiving others is easy, but forgiving yourself is where the hard work lies. I tell myself I’m living in the present and going with the flow and taking it a day at a time, but that’s a lie. Truth is, the past still has a grip on me and in order to care less about the future, avoid the reality of my present, prevent another earthquake and somehow navigate through the present, I take things slow, walk on egg shells, build walls around me and simply live a day at a time, hoping that the future won’t catch up with me anytime soon.
I have decided to heal, to let go, to break up with my past, to find closure and to live my best life, free, happy, loved, confident, peaceful, joyful and grateful. I know this will take a long time, but I choose to trust the process. I choose to let down my guard. I choose to break down the walls brick by brick. I choose to live mindful and in the present. I choose to put the past where it is and work on my present to achieve the future I want. I choose to rewrite the story. I choose to stop coating my scars. I choose to be vulnerable. I choose to talk about it or cry or pray or to forgive myself and the one who hurt me. I choose to breathe and try again with baby steps. I choose to risk my mind, heart, body, soul and spirit again. Yes, I have tears streaming down my eyes as I write this because I know it’s really stormy out there. I know there are thorns and lions and bees ready to break me again, but I choose to launch into the deep and trust I won’t fall. This is really going to be hard, but I bought flowers in loving memory of my past.