Far back in August 2020, is the last time I remember being fully present before my life got into autopilot and through anxiety loops that landed me in panic attacks months later. All through September down to late November, I did feel like I was in my comfort zone- a place where I had it all together with plans, goals, friends, family, validation and just everything going on smoothly. I got so occupied with a lot that I lost out on a lot more. I did think it was a good thing having all the puzzles fit and creating a picture perfect experience until in December when I realized I was gradually losing my footing.
Fast-forwarding to March- when It dawned on me that I had lost it, I felt vulnerable, helpless, weak, insecure and just everything in the negative lines. I felt inadequate, my creativity and vision was blocked, I was burned out from everything, I’d lost friendships, my support system crashed, I lived on the edge, in my own shadow, the normal was shaken up terribly, I was in a deep, dark cave, stuck in the stairs- in-between losing my life and finding it, I had totally lost control of everything. On the outside, it felt like I still had it all together. People didn’t believe I was shaken up and in that moment of me deciding to take my life, run away and just end the chaos that was going on deep down in my core, I ran to the ultimate for shelter. I didn’t know where else to turn, go, what to do, nobody could help me and for a moment, I paused and told myself, if I perish, I perish, but i’d rather use my last breathe and cry out to my God for help.
It’s the end of April and I can tell you for a fact that this transition has been painful, but necessary. This shift has made me more sensitive to the things I numbed out on as a result of my autopilot days. I’ve had to downsize my life, lose a lot, get low enough again, relearn humility, go back to the roots, back to the basics in order to get fresh strength, power, a fresh identity, a fresh creativity, strategy, a fresh attitude and a fresh perspective towards everything in life. I am learning to be present again.
For a while, I was invisible to the signs, to myself and my situation. Wrapped up in feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, panic attacks, questions I needed answers to, pressure and trying not totally fall apart on the outside. I was numb to everything going on around me that I forgot what it felt like to take a walk on a quiet Sunday evening and let the dust gather on my feet while the gentle breeze sways my clothes, settles softly on my skin and reminds me that I’m still alive. I was numb to the taste of a good meal, the smell of lingering perfume on my clothes, the voices from the people around me, but not to the touch of his skin against mine cause being with him was the only time I ever felt present.
Now, I am relearning how to be present again, to live in the moment, to feel, see, touch, hear, taste, to meditate, to celebrate, to reflect, to be spontaneous, to go with the flow, to embrace minimalism, to disconnect, to smile, to stop worrying, to inhale, exhale, to breathe, to live and to be me without pressure. I know it will take a while, but gradually, I’m becoming sensitive, creative, alive and present for myself so I can receive and give back from the overflow of what I have, rather from the wells of nothing. I am learning to let go, to forgive, to heal, to let myself go, to lose control knowing that God’s in control, to be free and to recover from who I am, who I was, to who I am meant to be -a better version of me. So, this is me polishing my crown, fixing it and learning to be present again.