It’s amazing how so much can happen in a twinkle of an eye. Well, life is a rhythm full of ups and downs, but personally, I’ve had more downs than ups lately and I guess it’s the season for it. Yes, this has driven me almost nuts sometimes, made me cry so much and sweat a lot too. I’ve had cold feet, body shivers and well, the AC increases the cold for me, but when i’m out in the sun, the Abuja sun fries me and I know I can’t have all I want- when and how I want it.
Forgive my manners, I do apologize for going away for so long…2 months actually. I’m here to explain myself and break it all down for your comprehension, clarity and care (through prayers). I’ll go straight to the point right about now and to make it easier, i’ll be segmenting this blog post with headings. So, stay with me…
I’m in the last month of my internship. Well, let’s just say I got a letter, renewing my contract and backdating it from 5 months ago. The Lagos offer is still maybe pending or not and I still live in this uncertainty which I have been in since August last year. In the last two months, I have sent out tons of applications, got called for a few- not up to 5 out of 100, attended interviews, got offers, rejected some, accepted one, but rejected it again due to reasons i’ll talk about later in a post on ‘Job Hunting.’ Sincerely, it’s been a rhythm with my emotions everywhere.
Good part about this whole career process is the fact that i’m gaining a lot of experience in my present job/role, i’m developing myself personally by working on my emotional intelligence, stress management, multi-tasking, people management, leadership and communication skills. I did sideline my brand for a little longer than I should have, but I’m here now, bigger and better everyday.
Truth: I can’t say what a month or two away from today holds for me career-wise, but I’m positive it’ll be good, great, better and God’s plan. I don’t know if i’ll still be in this organization, a new one, same city, different job, new colleagues or maybe unemployed, but that’s a phase that’s yet to come and one i’ll overcome and learn from. Maybe, it’ll be time to rest, travel, work on my brand or just sleep, eat, repeat. Till then, I’m hopeful for the best.
Let’s just say I’ve learned so much concerning this aspect of my life in the last 2 months. I am broke, but not a broker and not even broken. I got loans, got trapped, got a defamed character, got tried, cried, prayed, wanted to commit suicide, thought about prostitution and jazz(but these aren’t even options I can choose from), lost a lot that money cannot buy, learned a lot about money, people and situations, but I’m still here because God’s been making a way out through people.
Truth: I still have a long way to go before my financial status is able to get back on track and better, but for now, I guess it’s time to go back to the simple life.
No, I haven’t been a 100% and not even 50 lately. I feel drained, tired, stressed, weak and I’ve had panic attacks lately, insomnia and constantly severe migraines due to overthinking, worry, anxiety, depression and I don’t know. I try as much as I can daily to push myself out of the bed to work, forcefully wear a smile and act like it’s all okay, but deep down, I’m doing more than I should and it’s wearing me out. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and every ally possible, I am stressed.
Truth: I need all my problems or most of it settled, a staycation to eat, sleep, cuddle, see movies, dance, play, read, write and just do every other thing other than work and my problems. Can I travel? Go somewhere else maybe? Visit a friend? My bank balance says NO! So, I have to keep the fake attitude on and somehow keep it together till I can. However, I fear I might someday fall or sleep and never wake up.
Family and Friends:
For now, I do have a few people I can tag as family and friends and that list doesn’t have up to 10 people in it. Why? Life lately has taught me so much more about people and irrespective of the fact that they share same blood or values and stuff with you, it’s not enough reason to keep them close or bring them closer.
Truth: I’m happy with my small circle. My mental health needs them less.
Projects and Plans:
Prior to the situation of things lately, I did have a lot I wanted to handle. I had to publish the magazine, complete the editing of my manuscript for publishing, work on my website and social platforms, work on the clothing line, outreach and just a lot more stuff, but apparently, these will all have to be on hold for a while.
Truth: I wish I could make magic happen and all my dreams come true, but i’m calm.
I was angry that God has just been watching without action. Through it all, the only scripture that’s kept coming has been:
Though it tarries, wait for it…
And I hate the fact that I have to be so patient without a clue or nothing to hold on to. I finally went to church and cried, prayed and spoke to the pastor who said I should be patient. It made me feel like of a truth, I really do not have patience, but I began to count my blessings and name them one by one and well, it’s amazing how much I realize that God has done so much even when it seems like He’s doing nothing. My relationship with God is a good one and even if we have misunderstandings sometimes, we’re able to be buddies again regardless.
Truth: I’m grateful to God for the gift of life, family, friends, lessons and just everything He’s been doing behind the scenes.
Journaling has really helped me through this period and I must say, I’m stronger and better than I was a week ago, a month or a year ago.
I’ll definitely give you more updates, but thank you for sticking around through my quiet days. It gladdens my heart to see that I have 20 new followers, totaling 130 organic followers without ads, promotions and nothing. Soon, i’ll work on my marketing, but for now, thank you for following my blog, reading, dropping likes and comments, sharing my posts and taking out time to read this long life update. Thank you.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.Bob Marley