It’s a Sunday morning and from my current location, there’s too much noise going on from over 7 churches in the same location. Don’t quote me wrong… I am not against the church, God, religion, none of the above. Truth: I was supposed to be in church this morning due to the pressure from my mum, but I showered and felt reluctant to go because I don’t wanna be compelled into appearing before God’s presence.
I feel really weak this morning because I took some tabs last night and really, I just wanna sleep, but can’t achieve that because this church is worshipping, the other is praising, the next is praying, another is preaching and they’re all doing this at the top of their voices-which is really disturbing for me. Writing this has taken a lotta pressure on me to focus and string the words together. Like, I’ve had to sit here for the past 30mins just trying to sieve out the noise from the generators, speakers, drums, members… This is noise pollution in the highest order and I really just can’t wait to make enough money and rent somewhere less noisy for my parents. About the confession…
Ostensibly, I haven’t been to church in a while. However, this isn’t totally true. I watch and listen to Sarah Jakes’ messages a lot, join the live church sessions on Winners when I can, study God’s word and pray when I can, but I sometimes crave the need for fellowship and communion amongst the brethren. Now, the challenge is getting a place, getting people or just being able to have that communion and vulnerability in the place of worship. I wanna go to church so bad, but I want more out of the church than just going to church.
Moreover, there’s this almost seemingly insignificant part of my relationship with God being in the zebra crossing lines- I want to move, say this, do this, but can’t do nothing even when I know I have the right and I’m covered with divine grace to relate with God, but uncertainty creeps in. He’s watching, listening and working behind the scenes, but is He really doing something? I feel numb sometimes when it comes to the things of God. I could advise someone else, but can’t advise my own self. I’m just taking it a day at a time and the way I can because it’s not of him that willeth or runneth…it’s not by power nor might.
P.S: Say a word of prayer for me.