Sometimes, it’s so easy to wear a smile and let it stem from your heart- even if it’s a fake one, but other times, it’s even more difficult trying to bring your nerve endings together to at least fake one and avoid the questions. If you know me so well, you’ll know my smile always stems from my heart and sometimes, it’s a fake one. If you also know me too well, you’ll know when I force and fake a smile that just shouldn’t be there because i’m so bad at pretending and hiding away my emotions- you’ll feel it with or without a smile on.
Adulthood is a trap! No, that didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. Let’s do this again, but this time, with all the emotions, tones, and stress patterns to highlight how evenly annoying, devastating and deluding it is. They lied to us! In fact, they knew it, but kept it from us. No, they didn’t stress how it would turn out to be and today, out of the blues, with no clues and cues, we’re just supposed to live and act like it’s okay or we got it together- when we clearly don’t even got our own existence and how to- together.
Today, I woke up with no motivation whatsoever to get my ass outta the bed and go to work. Why? Yeah, i’m supposed to be grateful I have a job or still have one with this whole pandemic thing, but no, I won’t lie that I am happy or sad all the same- truth is, I don’t know anymore. Passion goes a long way and plays a vital role in the things we choose to pursue, term as purpose and spend the greater number of hours on each week. Am I passionate about my job? Yes! Do I feel fulfilled? No! So, why do I do it? There’s money and experience involved- of which I need both.
We lie to ourselves a lot or maybe I’ve lied to myself a lot about what i’m really doing because maybe I just want to be sure i’m doing something- when clearly, I don’t even know what i’m doing, but I know this is not what I want to be doing. I know the different things I want to be doing each day- which will give me a sense of purpose, help me find fulfillment and still pay my bills, but that is a long shot which I am not ready for because I have limitations that can’t make those dreams happen in a few months or maybe years. So, i’ll pursue the experience and try to secure the bag now before I settle for happiness later. I really want to be truly happy. There are lots of other things I am passionate about which I can draw a line to form a pattern and make a career out of it, but like I said; that’s a long shot away from now, today, tomorrow, next week, the other month or next year. Now, we wait. No, I wait!
Daily, i’m still trying to get a hold on life, what it has to offer and all and clearly, life isn’t something to be too serious about- and I wish it wasn’t easier said than realized. Life is a simple and serious adventure. That’s the best phrase because it is simple and I admit to it, but you can’t also be jovial, casual and care less about it because it’ll hit you hard to realize that every other person preaching about the simplicity of life is busy being so serious about it and trying their best to make a mark while they can. Don’t follow the multitude- they’re lying to you, but might have a grain of truth you might wanna sieve out.
Yeah, i’m still trying to navigate through my career, relationships, financial obligations, health, my personal life and make-up as a whole which is even quite a lot as I surprise my own self sometimes with goodness and badness- if there’s a word like that. How much more trying to navigate through the life of others? Now, that’s a different kinda crazy because i’m still trying to figure me out yet and then a boyfriend or husband figure and maybe babies will pop up- oh boooyyy…
No matter how hard or easy life gets, amazing thing is, we always figure it out sooner or later. So, while your problems, situations, challenges and hitches are trying to get the best of you now, please fake a smile at least because it’s only a process and will never always be the same. No matter how smooth your sail or ride is, there’s going to be a bend and curve somewhere that you may have known, prepared for or just maybe as shocked as I get whenever we reach that point. Please, if you peradventure miss a turn and have to slide down from 18 to 12, just know it’s for the best and you’ll definitely get to the end. So, this is me encouraging myself first before you because I am faking a smile this morning and no one knows it’s fake.