Trust me, I’ve felt this way so many times in the last 4 months and each time, I just fold- I’m still trying to get used to it.
After college, I did a year compulsory service in my country which ended in June 2019. I had previously applied for a graduate school training and was among the successful applicants. I attended orientation and series of trainings in July and in August, I relocated permanently to another state to complete the graduate training program and got a job in September. I worked daily for one month- weekends inclusive, but ended up not getting paid. I got another job in October and in the end of November, I’ll be getting my first salary and marking the start of my 5th month away from home. It’s not been an easy road.
Away from home, comfort, luxury, friends, everything familiar- including places, people, food, language, culture as a whole-has given me dreadful mornings where I wish I could wake up at home and not in a strange land so far away. Daily, I would wake up, wishing I didn’t have to go to work, but I’d remember that 2 months before now, I was awake to and asleep on writing and submitting cover letters and resumes, going for interviews and checking different sites for vacancies. I got tired most times from constantly seeing the light on my phone screen and despite the headaches I had, I needed a job badly, but was always disappointed.
Writing this, I still don’t know up to 7 people besides from work and training and 2 guys I met- one at the ATM and another in a tricycle on my way to work. I don’t have friends here except 2 people I’m trying to get a bit close to. I don’t have a boyfriend- home, but abroad. I still don’t know my way around nor places I could go besides work, church, the market, the mall, a museum I visited two weekends ago and a park I usually go to get fresh air, stay closer to nature, lie in the grass and just read or write.
I can say my best friends have been books and my phone- especially books because, if I’m not reading, I’m writing or both. And phone because if I’m not on social media, I’m playing chess, checkers or seeing a movie. On Saturdays, I go hiking, workout and sometimes sleep or take myself out- to the park of course or anywhere I locate on Google map and decide to check in. Other times, I’m simply alone and empty.
These things happen and depending on how it’s handled, could make you feel sad, depressed, push you into isolation and the next thing, you’re thinking you have a mental problem/disorder and either need to see a therapist, talk to God or just stay locked up. Please don’t think suicidal. This could be worse when you realize you have bills to pay, gradually accumulating debt, not paired up, with no one to talk or turn to, everything just doesn’t make sense. Being alone and empty is a feeling and a phase that’ll definitely pass in time. Your world isn’t crumbling down.
If you haven’t figured out what to do in a particular situation or how to get out of it; if you’re clueless of what to do and how; if you don’t have a network nor the resources to make yourself happy; if the environment you’ve found yourself is one that’ll take a while before you adjust and adapt; be patient, it ‘ll all fall in place sooner or later. The waiting period might be really demanding, stressful, exhausting, tempting and depressing, but it’ll someday change it’s course. I am alone and empty and out of my emptiness, these scrambled words have stringed together to give you hope. You may be alone today, but not tomorrow.
Use this alone and empty moments to get closer to nature, take an evening stroll, enjoy the breeze, listen to real time conversations, observe and watch strangers do their thing, give your empty mind and sad body a feel of nature’s touch. Nature always has a way of bringing out the good in every bad situation. Let nature refuel you and give you the best alone and empty moments. People would say: ‘do something you love doing best, go out, get a drink, listen to music, read, see a movie, chat up a stranger, connect with people, do this, that…’ and even if it does work for some people, it doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes, you just need to be alone and empty. It’s a feeling and a phase that reminds you that you’re human and will definitely pass in time.